The Gift


We are no longer in between.  We are here.  The feelings I have are many.   Wrapping around each other and dancing.  Joy has returned.  I wake up in the morning and remember I’m here.  I am relieved and  comforted by this place.  I want to soak it in and yet can’t seem to absorb it fast enough.  I remind myself not to rush.

We can live again.

I can breathe.

I feel human, light, not like a shadow.  I feel real.  I picture the story of the Velveteen Rabbit and how he became real through love.  That is the story here.  We have been given a gift, so precious and so life saving that words cannot express the gratitude we feel.


I  hear my soul singing.  I am blessed.

This second chance at life was given to me, to us, by the very people who gave me my first chance at life.  I want to thank them over and over a million times, but the  words,”thank you” seem lacking.  I pray to live this second chance and make them proud. I pray for the opportunity to one day not only pay it back but also pay it forward.

Thank you!

Thank you for being the best parents even when I was the worst.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for forgiving me.

Thank you for teaching me.

Thank you for making me real.

I love you always,


Trucks, health insurance and pure crazy.

It’s been awhile. I have been crazy here as usual. Still dealing with the endless truck traffic. I wrote 2 page letter to mayor, state police and all divisions of traffic. After what felt like forever I think it was two months I got a call letting me know they are doing a traffic study. The woman who called described it and it sounds very involved. I am not sure if I will be here long enough to appreciate the end results of this study. I did my own study, I think it took me one day, and I determined no sane person could live here with this noise and freeway speeds going past the front door.

I try to avoid being here during the day this is possible through my new job. I am back to work as a nurse, still no healthcare. The irony of being a nurse taking care of very sick children and being involved with the healthcare system and not having health insurance is huge! I also experienced the lack of care from the perspective of a patient when I got a resistant form of Staph. MRSA. I went to a walk in clinic paid cash, got a C&S done to check for staph and never received the results. Apparently their policy for all results is you will hear within two weeks. I received the lab bill 140.00 before the results. I finally called leaving three messages before someone called me back to tell me yes it is MRSA, but he wanted me to know he was just delivering the results, just a messenger, as if don’t be mad at me it took so long to call you with this. I was not shocked by our serious lack of care in healthcare. The system is deeply flawed. I have seen way to much to feel good about it. And now that its computerized its as if nobody’s home at all. Each one thinks the other has done what needs to be done. I think they are at the point if it isn’t happening already where you will get your own results by looking at them online. Maybe they can even charge extra to actually call you to explain the results.
There is something seriously wrong with a system where the bill arrives quicker than the results. This past month besides dealing with the staph infection, we have been worried about our son who has stopped eating solid foods for over a month. Without insurance it has been tricky to get care for him. A few times when calling to schedule an appointment the person on other end of phone was struck dumb when I told them self pay. They respond to me with shuddering and confusion…”I’m not sure i can even schedule you without an ID#.” It took them calling the financial department and calling me back to say well I can schedule you however you will have to pay up front either half or all of the amount. I say ok what is the amount? She says I don’t know. Ok so I will pay either all or half of an unknown amount, sure that will be fine. Please schedule it. CRAZY! Meanwhile I applied for healthcare insurance through the state for all of us. The good news they will cover the children for a small monthly fee. When I next went to dr with my son I brought approval letter. The receptionist called the state and put me on phone with some cranky pants who told me its not effective until I pay premium, so I said ok I will pay you now over phone she says ok but it will not process in time for November 1 st. So it will not be effective until December 1st. WTF. This was October 28 th. i say i will pay you this month and next month she says impossible. I hang up with her. I cry in front of entire waiting room. I am tired, exhausted. We have no real answers on why my son stopped eating he is only 6. Now I am to take him to therapy and for that we will pay as well. He tells us he cannot swallow solid foods. They checked everything. All tests came back normal. Could it be this crooked house and those damn trucks?
Praying here lots and lots. We need a light at the end of this dark scary tunnel.


Unemployed, underemployed, over it!

images-1This is the big white elephant that resides in my living room. That is if I had a living room. Well anyway this elephant is the fucking jobs that are out there and why they suck.

Warning to all this is a rant!

I resent this new system where every employer wants a background check. Yes, I pass them that is not the issue. It is a strong resentment that they are starting off this relationship on the wrong foot already putting me on edge as if I am a criminal. Why must we assume all the world is bad. I’m sure there are a few wack jobs out there but take a chance. This is life it’s all about taking a chance on fellow humans. Expect the best, try that on for size. It couldn’t hurt. This country seems hell-bent on preventing things that are often unpreventable. They want to sue if anything bad happens. Heres a fucking news flash Bad Things Happen, it just is that way sometimes. Often there is no one to blame and often it’s just timing or wrong place wrong time whatever. Move on. We cannot prevent crazy people from anything.

We can not keep out the worry. But we can let in the love.
We are all on this planet together. Last I checked we haven’t found an alternative planet to send people to or escape to, so here we all are trying to live.

1. Give people a chance. Think the best of them until they show you other wise.

2. Don’t concern yourself with someone else’s credit score or credit report. They need a job you have a job you like what you see, give them a shot.

3. Pay a living wage. A real living wage. Not barely scraping by wage.

4. Healthcare, ok this is a big giant pain in my ass. So here it is.
It is for all! End of story.
We cannot pick and choose who can stay healthy and who gets sick. It will happen either way but first we as a civilized society have the responsibility to provide basic care to all. Especially children. Thats it. It’s simple. Get it done. And this bullshit with jobs that do offer health insurance having these 90 day probation period is fucking stupid and useless. If we are alive on this planet from birth to death, employed, unemployed, poor, rich, it should not matter we should be covered. If the insurance companies are not able to figure this out and I doubt they can as they are only in this for a profit, then I say we cut them completely out.
Go back 40-50 years before these blood suckers fucked us all up.
Pay on a sliding scale. I bet most people would find it refreshing. Offer a trade or barter. There must be a better way.
We have brilliant people in this world can we not have them come together and find a solution to the crap we are putting up with?
Find your closest 13-year-old and ask them for solutions. I’m sure it will be better than what we have.

5. All of our time is the same. My time is as precious to me as your time is to you. There is no reason why one person would make 100x more than another. We get paid in exchange for our time. We are all here on this planet for a limited time. We all want the same thing to take care of ourselves and our family and make a LIVING. Not work 40 hours a week and still not be able to pay bills. Not work two jobs and fall behind.
Not everyone would want or be able to do mechanical type jobs, not everyone would want or be able to cut hair, not everyone would want or be able to clean windows all day and so on. There are a large variety of jobs that are done in this world each as important as the next, without one piece of the puzzle take for example the garbage men the whole thing gets pretty stinky. I don’t know if the garbage men make a living wage, I hope they do. But they surely should. Do you want to ride behind a truck full of garbage in the July heat for 8 hrs a day? Why should we pay a person sitting in an air-conditioned office with a suit and tie not even a drop of sweat as he or she goes from climate controlled home to car to office 5 days a week any more than someone working physically hard or doing a job most people couldn’t or wouldn’t want to do.

What if we paid based on how awful the job was. The worse the job, out in the elements, dirty or heavy lifting involved the more it paid. Rather than the opposite what we have now. Why should you have a cushy job and get great pay? Is it just me? You shouldn’t have it both ways easy,enjoyable,interesting and good pay.

How about this for a thought, all jobs are jobs, all need to be done or we wouldn’t have them. We are all here for a limited time we are born we live, work, and die. Some will never retire they will work until they can’t and then who knows what will happen if they are lucky they will drop dead, if they are just too sick to work well then it will be a mess. We need to get rid of this disgusting hierarchy where certain jobs, which truly don’t seem that difficult to me are paid extreme amounts of money while other jobs people can’t get by.

Maybe we should take the highest salaries add them up with the lowest divide by number of people we collected the salaries from get an average and make that the pay for all.
How would it be if we all got paid the same more or less an hour. For those of you with money and savings give it a thought. Think about going without your safety net for 6 months, and during that 6 months, drive a used beat up car or take the bus, no credit, pay rent, live in a house you do not like, work a job you do not care for, get paid way less than what you feel your time and effort are worth, be told what to do and when to do and get criticized for your productivity or lack of speed. Also go without any health insurance for you and your children for 3 of those months, pay cash for any routine or sick visits and the pharmacy. Put off routine things like oil changes, and dental care as much as you can during the 3 months waiting for insurance to kick in. Then when the insurance kicks in realize you still have to contribute from your pay toward the insurance it’s not free, also there are co pays each time. So now your pay check is less.

When you go to the grocery store you know you should shop healthy for your family but the unhealthy items are cheaper and have a very long shelf life. The fresh produce and healthy stuff is not nearly as affordable. But my god the Kool aide is almost given away.

So for those of you who judge or wonder why the poor are fat here’s your answer, it’s the crap they can afford to buy. It’s the single moms working two jobs unable to cook healthy or buy healthy food, it’s the no money and no time for soccer or baseball or camp. It’s here’s the tv sit and watch it I have to work.

We need everybody. Just like nature if you take one thing out of the food chain the entire chain can be affected. Do you people not understand that is what has happened. When people live in squalor and their kids have nothing and are raised without they grow up hopeless, without hope! They give up early, they turn to any form of relief from this crazy backwards world, where some have so much while others have none. They get angry they feel better with drugs. Others get angry and join groups called gangs, they act out like any teenager would, but these teens are likely to get shot and killed. Or die from drugs, certainly they aren’t about to get offered their dream job and move out of poverty. They can’t afford college they know it from a young age. They cannot see the way out. They give up mostly.

At the very least each of you could sponsor one child, or mentor one child. Not your own either. If we are going to stick with the inequality for some or most way of living than the least you could do is help another one who cannot help themselves. Give something to them so they can have a chance and for once see hope. If you think you are not lucky you have no idea. For those who think they owe no one well you are Wrong! All of life is a luck of the draw. Yes you can work hard, but never as hard as these ones digging ditches in the blazing hot son and never as hard as the ones poring asphalt, and not as hard as the ones taking a bus through the snow and rain and heat to their $8.00 hr job for 40 hrs plus working at night at their second job plus taking the bus to buy groceries and dragging them home to their child who is alone because mom has to work but still they can’t have nice things.

So you think you worked hard to get where you are do tell the horror story of being given the opportunity to go to college educate yourself drive your car, rent your apt buy your first house and pay your bills and save money. Ok here’s a hand for that.
No try it with no car, no family, in the poorest part of town, with a child, no health insurance, and two jobs. Ok so enough with this crap.

Take a look at what you have and you know who you are and find a way to help someone, maybe you can hire someone, give them a paid internship someone who otherwise may not have had a chance. Pick someone who would really appreciate a good job. Mentor a kid. Teach them a skill, pay for them to take a vocational course that will lead them to a marketable skill.
Do something with your vast fortune other than fucking landscaping. Take a look in the mirror and start there. Stop hoarding the money. You people are like the kid who hoards all the toys so no one else can play with them. What fun is that?
I promise you will feel better, more alive, more connected, free! Let us know how it goes!

Become a legend!


Durga and the dream

Several years ago, after my youngest Aunt died from Pancreatic Cancer, I dreamed of a beautiful Goddess, the dream was so real and so detailed I was able to google this image and after a brief search realized it was Durga.  Since my dream I have been taken with this image of the beautiful Goddess.  I have a small statue and several tapestries with her image.

The word “Durga” in Sanskrit means a fort, or a place which is difficult to overrun. Another meaning of “Durga” is “Durgatinashini,” which literally translates into “the one who eliminates sufferings.” Thus, Hindus believe that goddess Durga protects her devotees from the evils of the world and at the same time removes their miseries.



The idea of a Goddess who removes suffering and misery and who protects is so comforting.  I often pray to Durga and envision her near me.  In the dream of Durga she was my Aunt, My aunt looked a bit like her with long flowing dark hair and in the dream she was sitting on something which I could not see but under her and around her were plates of offerings of beautiful fruits and different foods.

At the end of my Aunt’s life she had been so sick and unable to eat.  The cruel irony being that she was a true foodie.  She loved to eat fine food of all types and enjoyed taking pictures of food and talking about her travels and what she had enjoyed.  When I think back to her death and the losses that go with that type of cancer, like the retched nausea, the loss of appetite, the inability to keep food or drink down, the profound weakness, the loss of her beautiful long hair.  The loss of her strength and a lot of weight.  Over the year since she was diagnosed she lost most of the pleasures she enjoyed and many familiar comforts.

I did not see her in her final days and wish I had.  I do know from pictures just how sick and weak she was.  The dream came to me the night after she passed on.  In the dream not only was she smiling and looking in all her glory like a goddess, The Goddess Durga but she was dancing and happy and surrounded by foods of all types.  When I look back over her last year of suffering I like to believe that Durga was there with her.  That she was protecting her and working hard to elevate as much of my Aunt’s sufferings and misery as she could.  I miss my Aunt.  Many days I forget she is actually not here on this planet, but will often picture her on a trip traveling and eating the local cuisine.  I am comforted to know she is not alone.  I am so grateful for this beautiful Goddess who comforted my aunt and who found me in my dream and comforted me.



Thoughts from a dull stressed mind, and more on the trucks

My mind is dull, yet it tortures me, it is no longer sharp and bright it is dull, sad and negative 98% of the time.

It plays in a negative loop telling me over and over how shitty everything is.

I know these are just thoughts the thoughts fueled by depression and yet they are winning.

They have almost completely taken over there is little respite from the negativity.

I am unable to see or think clearly.

I cannot organize myself.  I think of things that need to be done and cannot determine where to start.  I feel paralyzed by the overwhelmingness of life.  I know it falls apart in an instant. Is it possible to let it all fall?  To just say Fuck It?

I really cannot keep this up.  This, Whatever it is and I don’t even know what it is I’m keeping up?  It feels like I am juggling three lead weights in the air and I just want to put them down.  I understand that others do more, way more, yet I am me and I cannot.  I am not going to compete to keep up with “them”.

What is wrong with me?  Why can other people do everything, keep it all together and be happy and positive.  Why am I so unhappy?  Why am I so tired and miserable?  I just want to be still.  Still for a while.  No thoughts, no phones, no  darn trucks, no fucking mud, no bills, no dogs, no cat, no work, nobody needing anything at all from me.

Is there a point to this craziness?  Will it become clear to me one day?

It has to be more than what it seems.  If there is no point then lets just admit that.  Lets just say that.  What if my brain is broken?  What if I am going crazy?  I am so easily distracted, I wonder is this adult onset ADD?  Why can’t I focus?  Why can’t I get anything done.  Is there a place where I could fit in and feel not so bad about myself?  What if I am destined to be a square peg in a round hole?

I swear everyone seems so put together, driving nice cars, living in a nice house, working, taking care of children and there house is clean, cars clean, mail sorted, bills paid, money in savings, college funds are put together, plans are made for memorial day and vacations, kids are signed up for camp and soccer and karate and whatever.  They fucking do it all!  How??  Do they have a secret?

I feel too far ahead or too far behind.  Nothing is just right.  It’s like a stupid real life version of goldy locks and the three bears, this one is too small this one too big, too hot, too cold to0 hard too soft and so on except in this story it doesn’t get to the just right part.

If everything is wrong how can I prioritize?

It’s all jumbled together like a giant word search and I cannot find a single word.

And constantly these fucking trucks I cannot stand it!

A week or so ago a dump truck nearly hit the house.  Amazingly my brain came out of it’s dull lifeless fog log enough to realize the sound of trouble and propel my feet from the front hallway to the far left backside of the house.  I do not even know how I knew which way to run.  But when it was all said and done the house was missed by 3-4 feet the car the truck hit wasn’t good but driver was ok.

Last night I barely slept, except in-between the traffic.  It does stop at a certain point but at exactly 5:11 am it starts up again. I start to drift off then bam 3 dump trucks in a row, it’s like the sound of a train going by within inches of my head, maybe I will move my bed to the other wall just to get a few more inches away from the road.  Picture yourself sleeping on the freeway, literally you are all curled up sound asleep on the shoulder of the turnpike.  It is a rude awakening, it shatters the nerves.
The state police came for the accident and I mentioned to them that this is all day long with these dump trucks speeding up and down this road, they said they were aware and that the trucks get paid by the load.  MY GOD who gives a fuck, load??? Do they really think by speeding they can really get more loads, I doubt it.  Time is time and distance is distance and you may shave off a minute but really your not doing some sort of time travel and how about the fact your driving a 12-20 tons of steel barreling down a no shoulder county road with a full load of dirt or whatever they are hauling, how about the lives of the people on the road or in the houses or how about the school children getting picked up by the bus that had left the exact spot where he came off the road only 1 and 1/2 minutes before.

Why is everything about money?  How about kindness and safety?  If there is any point to this world please let it not be money.  If there really truly is a reason we are all here at this moment on this planet it can’t be to make money.  There has to be more to life than that.  I know money makes things easier but have we all lost sight that it only makes things easier to a point you don’t need tons of it.  We need trucks and truck drivers.  I’m sure we can all agree.  I am sure they are stressed and just trying to pay their bills.  I know that feeling.  But when they drive hour after hour without breaks, when they are paid by the load, encouraging them to take short cuts and speed, bad things happen.  It is so unnecessary.  We seriously have to take a look at this. People who are forced to do things that are not safe to get by, to afford to live, to feed and house their family.  I believe their is some greed going on and I doubt it’s at the paid by the hour end of this spectrum or paid by the load.  We all know it.  We complain about it. But we must change this.  We must not tolerate it.  There is enough for everybody.  I am sure if the greed was taken out of the equation we would all have enough.

You can only sit in one chair at a time.  Drive one car at a time.  Yes, a nice car, a nice home, a nice bed but once you have that and you just try to accumulate and consume more and more for no reason while others have nothing.  It makes no sense.

What can we do for each other?  Why should some have two houses?  While others have no house?  Why should some have 5 cars while others take the bus?  Why should some have everything and others nothing?  It makes me crazy.  I am going crazy from this world.  I want to just throw in the towel, fold my cards, tag out, punch out, give up.  I am so angry and so fucking disappointed with everything.  I know there are good things going on and if I wanted to I could read about them, but they are not happening in my circle in my daily life.  They seem so far removed.  I have nothing good to say.

I will continue to give what I can to those around me, family, children, those patients I work with.  But when it’s gone its gone.  If God, Gaia, Source, Buddha decides to replenish me then so be it I will give that too.  But there may come a point soon if I don’t get replenished that I will be completely empty.  At that point I hope for compassion and understanding.  Maybe I need a time out, is it possible to get a time out?  Maybe I should have to sit on a park bench  with just the sounds of nature.  Maybe this is how people end up living in the park?  I saw a documentary on a woman who was living in central park called Jupiter’s wife.  She was fascinating.  Perhaps I shall end up like her.  Maybe she had the right idea.  I think she may have been sort of schizophrenic.  Maybe we are all just one stress away from being homeless and crazy.  Or maybe that is the salvation.  As the saying goes when all is lost everything is gained.  I am getting close.



(This is an older post from right before our move back here, I never posted probably because I packed the computer. But really it pertains to more than those days before the move.  We have now been here for two months. I am still working on remembering the new zip code.) 68e943113503afc9cf5eac6c076a236a

Moving.  Packing.  Unpacking.  New schools, forwarding of mail.. At this point I wonder if my mail will ever find me?  It has been 5 months since we arrived here and we are now preparing to leave.  Most days the thought of moving is just too exhausting to even utter the words.  The list of things to do runs through my head all day and night.

Since arriving here October 31 I have rolled over many nights and not recognized where I was.  I frequently think I am in our old house.  Other nights I can’t place my location at all.  On the up side we still have boxes that are not yet unpacked.

We now realize that moving here was a mistake.  Ok,that would be a HUGE understatement!  It is not the here that is the mistake it is us.  We thought we may find solutions to our problems by changing our location.  The truth is you cannot escape.  Problems follow you wherever you go.  The saying about the grass not being greener is true.  Not only is it not greener it may in many ways be way less green than the grass you left.

I am sure this is stating the obvious. Mistakes can cause pain to not just yourself but many people who surround you. To know you made a mistake and live with that mistake day in and day out is painful. To admit the mistake to anyone who will listen is necessary, but painful.  To admit it to yourself, day and night to know you dreamed a dream that was in no way possible can leave you doubting yourself.  I have many doubts.  I had many beliefs before this point. ( As I have mentioned in a past post, I was always a dreamer, I still am… but now I doubt so much.) I believed in good overcoming all.  I believed in fairness and kindness being the most important things. I fight constantly with the saying that life isn’t fair… But why can’t it be.  I realize it’s not but I held such hope for it to sometimes work out and maybe in someways balance out.  My decisions have betrayed me.

So, now I have to really truly deal with Reality.  I have somehow tried to avoid reality.  I spent so much time fighting with reality.  I have lost that fight and reality has won.  I feel sad about that.  I have not known how to find a happy medium, a middle ground between stark cold harsh reality and my dream world.  I tend to be a bit all or nothing.  Now I must find the grey.  I must blend my hopes and dreams with reality and make plans and goals. No more wishing that things would be a certain way, no more hoping that life will throw me a prayer.  I will take hold of this reality and squeeze any bit of color out of it.  What is the color of reality?




The Color of Reality


Death and success

images-31What makes us successful?

I am sure I do not know.

Each person must have a different definition of success.  Maybe money, or family, for some a great job, for others providing for their family, and for many the so-called American dream of home ownership. Does success count if it is short-lived?  Say you buy a house with a mortgage and then find yourself unable to afford that house and say you then go through losing that house, is that a success?  You had the house for years, maybe even decades.  Does success get measured daily?  Is it measured at the end of ones life?  Is there a tally of failures vs. successes?  Who is it that determines this?  Who keeps the score?
Could it be that success is surviving this crazy life?  If so none of us will be considered successful in the end we all fail, we all must die at some point.  Is it counted by the years you lived?  Is it the length of life?  The quality of life?  If you live to 100 and you die with a great wealth is that success?  If you die young having never chosen a career, without a new car and car payment is that success?  Does it matter in the end?  I have been with many people at the end of their lives, sitting at their bedside and none of this seem to come up.  Some had money, some did not.  Some were dying in a house surrounded by beautiful furniture and pictures of travel and better times.  Some were poor in a hospital bed surrounded by poverty and crime just outside their window.  Some had family to comfort them and some had family that really annoyed them and added to the stress, others were alone.


In the end memories seem to count for a lot.  Family seems to count and bring great comfort when they are close and when people do not have a bunch of baggage.   It may be that we need to measure the time in between birth and death by something.

Perhaps counting years and blowing out candles on birthday cakes is not enough.  We may need to have accomplishments.  There is career and getting ahead.  That seems what most would think of, where am I in my career?  Do I have room for advancement, do I have an office?  Did I get that raise?  Bonus?  Am I the boss?  Or maybe it is just the money in the bank.  Do I have a retirement fund?  Do I have a good-sized savings account?  College money for my children?  Am I getting that next promotion?
What if I have none of these things?  What if I scrape by?  What if there is no title, no desk, no house, no car, no college fund, no savings account, no promotion, no raise, what if there is just the candles on the cake to measure the days/years ticking by?  What if there isn’t even cake?  Am I any less?  What if the measure of a person cannot be counted or added up or put in a bank or seen in pictures, or marked by square footage or what they drive?  What if in the end each person counts as much as all the other persons.  What if in the end when on your death-bed it is none of this that mattered? images

The people who I saw as they left this world all counted the same to me.  They all mattered.  Each one was stripped of all their earthly possessions and in the end what I saw was their heart and soul.  It didn’t matter that they had a beautiful home, it didn’t matter that they had been a this or that. What mattered to them was love and care.  What seemed to matter was peace, comfort and love.  What will matter to me?  How will my life be measured?

Will I know if I was successful?

Will I care?