My mind is dull, yet it tortures me, it is no longer sharp and bright it is dull, sad and negative 98% of the time.
It plays in a negative loop telling me over and over how shitty everything is.
I know these are just thoughts the thoughts fueled by depression and yet they are winning.
They have almost completely taken over there is little respite from the negativity.
I am unable to see or think clearly.
I cannot organize myself. I think of things that need to be done and cannot determine where to start. I feel paralyzed by the overwhelmingness of life. I know it falls apart in an instant. Is it possible to let it all fall? To just say Fuck It?
I really cannot keep this up. This, Whatever it is and I don’t even know what it is I’m keeping up? It feels like I am juggling three lead weights in the air and I just want to put them down. I understand that others do more, way more, yet I am me and I cannot. I am not going to compete to keep up with “them”.
What is wrong with me? Why can other people do everything, keep it all together and be happy and positive. Why am I so unhappy? Why am I so tired and miserable? I just want to be still. Still for a while. No thoughts, no phones, no darn trucks, no fucking mud, no bills, no dogs, no cat, no work, nobody needing anything at all from me.
Is there a point to this craziness? Will it become clear to me one day?
It has to be more than what it seems. If there is no point then lets just admit that. Lets just say that. What if my brain is broken? What if I am going crazy? I am so easily distracted, I wonder is this adult onset ADD? Why can’t I focus? Why can’t I get anything done. Is there a place where I could fit in and feel not so bad about myself? What if I am destined to be a square peg in a round hole?
I swear everyone seems so put together, driving nice cars, living in a nice house, working, taking care of children and there house is clean, cars clean, mail sorted, bills paid, money in savings, college funds are put together, plans are made for memorial day and vacations, kids are signed up for camp and soccer and karate and whatever. They fucking do it all! How?? Do they have a secret?
I feel too far ahead or too far behind. Nothing is just right. It’s like a stupid real life version of goldy locks and the three bears, this one is too small this one too big, too hot, too cold to0 hard too soft and so on except in this story it doesn’t get to the just right part.
If everything is wrong how can I prioritize?
It’s all jumbled together like a giant word search and I cannot find a single word.
And constantly these fucking trucks I cannot stand it!
A week or so ago a dump truck nearly hit the house. Amazingly my brain came out of it’s dull lifeless fog log enough to realize the sound of trouble and propel my feet from the front hallway to the far left backside of the house. I do not even know how I knew which way to run. But when it was all said and done the house was missed by 3-4 feet the car the truck hit wasn’t good but driver was ok.
Last night I barely slept, except in-between the traffic. It does stop at a certain point but at exactly 5:11 am it starts up again. I start to drift off then bam 3 dump trucks in a row, it’s like the sound of a train going by within inches of my head, maybe I will move my bed to the other wall just to get a few more inches away from the road. Picture yourself sleeping on the freeway, literally you are all curled up sound asleep on the shoulder of the turnpike. It is a rude awakening, it shatters the nerves.
The state police came for the accident and I mentioned to them that this is all day long with these dump trucks speeding up and down this road, they said they were aware and that the trucks get paid by the load. MY GOD who gives a fuck, load??? Do they really think by speeding they can really get more loads, I doubt it. Time is time and distance is distance and you may shave off a minute but really your not doing some sort of time travel and how about the fact your driving a 12-20 tons of steel barreling down a no shoulder county road with a full load of dirt or whatever they are hauling, how about the lives of the people on the road or in the houses or how about the school children getting picked up by the bus that had left the exact spot where he came off the road only 1 and 1/2 minutes before.
Why is everything about money? How about kindness and safety? If there is any point to this world please let it not be money. If there really truly is a reason we are all here at this moment on this planet it can’t be to make money. There has to be more to life than that. I know money makes things easier but have we all lost sight that it only makes things easier to a point you don’t need tons of it. We need trucks and truck drivers. I’m sure we can all agree. I am sure they are stressed and just trying to pay their bills. I know that feeling. But when they drive hour after hour without breaks, when they are paid by the load, encouraging them to take short cuts and speed, bad things happen. It is so unnecessary. We seriously have to take a look at this. People who are forced to do things that are not safe to get by, to afford to live, to feed and house their family. I believe their is some greed going on and I doubt it’s at the paid by the hour end of this spectrum or paid by the load. We all know it. We complain about it. But we must change this. We must not tolerate it. There is enough for everybody. I am sure if the greed was taken out of the equation we would all have enough.
You can only sit in one chair at a time. Drive one car at a time. Yes, a nice car, a nice home, a nice bed but once you have that and you just try to accumulate and consume more and more for no reason while others have nothing. It makes no sense.
What can we do for each other? Why should some have two houses? While others have no house? Why should some have 5 cars while others take the bus? Why should some have everything and others nothing? It makes me crazy. I am going crazy from this world. I want to just throw in the towel, fold my cards, tag out, punch out, give up. I am so angry and so fucking disappointed with everything. I know there are good things going on and if I wanted to I could read about them, but they are not happening in my circle in my daily life. They seem so far removed. I have nothing good to say.
I will continue to give what I can to those around me, family, children, those patients I work with. But when it’s gone its gone. If God, Gaia, Source, Buddha decides to replenish me then so be it I will give that too. But there may come a point soon if I don’t get replenished that I will be completely empty. At that point I hope for compassion and understanding. Maybe I need a time out, is it possible to get a time out? Maybe I should have to sit on a park bench with just the sounds of nature. Maybe this is how people end up living in the park? I saw a documentary on a woman who was living in central park called Jupiter’s wife. She was fascinating. Perhaps I shall end up like her. Maybe she had the right idea. I think she may have been sort of schizophrenic. Maybe we are all just one stress away from being homeless and crazy. Or maybe that is the salvation. As the saying goes when all is lost everything is gained. I am getting close.